Fade
by Invisible Sun
Summary: Post-The Gift. Spike POV Spike doesn't have feelings. He's moved on with Buffy's death. He doesn't care about her ressurrection. He's not falling apart inside....Right? (B/S)


FADE   
by Invisible Sun  
  
Disclaimer: Not Mine.  
Post-The Gift, Spike POV. Lyrics are from 'Fade' by Staind.  
  
**********************************  
I try to breathe  
Memories overtaking me  
I try to face them but  
the though is too  
Much to conceive  
**********************************  
  
It's been six months since that night at the construction   
site. Six months since we beat that Glory chick. Six months since   
Buffy died.  
  
I still remember it like it was yesterday. I'm never going   
to forget it. I still love Buffy. So much so that it hurts.   
She's the reason I'm still alive... figuratively speaking. Well,   
her and Dawn. My promise to protect the Lil Bit 'til the end of   
the world.' If it hadn't' been for that promise, I probably would   
have staked myself a long time ago. Since Buffy... moved on six   
months ago, the Scoobies have grieved and are now trying to move   
on. It's still painful for them, but they're coping. Xander and   
Anya are busy getting ready for their wedding. Giles moved back   
to England and still keeps in touch with the Scoobies and helps   
them out time to time by providing vital information. Will and   
Tara are busy looking after Dawn while she's trying her hardest   
to lead as normal a life as she can without her mother or Big Sis.   
They've all started to move on.  
  
But I can't. I'm still grieving like it was yesterday. Six   
months is not enough time for me to forget and move on. Being a   
vampire, that's just a fraction of a second. Give me a century   
and I might be ready to begin the process of coping and moving on   
with my unlife. I'm falling apart at the seams with guilt and   
grief. I feel guilty. Yes, I, Spike, William the Bloody, Slayer   
of Slayers, am consumed with guilt. I could have prevented the   
need for Buffy to sacrifice herself for the world. I could have   
stopped the Doc from cutting Dawn and starting the ritual. I   
could have prevented the pain and grief everyone felt...are   
feeling over Buffy's...death. I had that chance. And I failed.   
I failed Buffy. I failed Dawn. I failed the Scooby Gang and I   
failed the world. I, Spike, William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers,   
am a failure.  
  
*****************************************  
I only know that I can change  
Everything else just stays the same  
So now I step out of the darkness  
That my life became 'cause...  
*****************************************  
  
I don't know when but, somewhere along the line, I changed.   
I'm not the same vampire that came to Sunnydale four years ago   
looking to bag another Slayer. I don't want to kill anyone anymore.   
I no longer care if I ever get this chip out or not. I don't care.   
I don't care if I'll never have another chance to kill and drain another   
human. I don't know if it's the chip or my loving Buffy as much   
as I did...do that changed me, but, as I said, I don't care. I   
don't want to be a monster again. I don't want to be evil.  
  
****************************************  
I just needs someone to talk to  
You were just too busy with yourself  
You were never there for me to   
Express how I felt   
I just stuffed it down  
Now I'm older and I feel like  
I could let some of this anger fade  
But it seems the surface   
I am scratching  
Is the bed that I have made  
  
So where were you  
When all this I was going through  
You never took the time to ask me  
Just what you could do  
***************************************  
  
The Scoobies. Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara, not even Dawn see   
what's going on with me. Or, if they do, they don't care. They're   
too busy with themselves to see if Ol' Spike needs someone to talk   
to. But I do. I do need to talk. I just don't know how to approach   
someone and tell them my innermost feelings. And even if I did,   
whose to say they'll listen and not laugh in my face? I'm a demon,   
a monster, a vampire without a soul. I'm not suppose to feel love,   
for the slayer no less, nor am I suppose to feel grief and pain and   
guilt. Right?  
  
*****  
  
The Gang and I are meeting at the shop which Anya now owns   
and runs. Giles gave it to her before he left and, needless to   
say, she was pretty ecstatic about it. She's doing a good job   
with it.   
  
Willow's taken charge of the gang now. She's dishing out   
orders with the best of them. I think it helps her keep her mind   
off Buffy, but I don't know.   
  
They are still aren't sure about me. Or, at least, Xander   
isn't. Though I'm almost ninety percent sure the others feel the   
same way. They probably haven't gotten rid of me yet because I'm   
now the one who patrols and slays. I'm the one whose taken over   
Buffy's job as Sunnydale's protector from evil. And you know what?   
That's bloody just fine with me. I don't care what they think   
about me.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
I shook myself from my thoughts and looked at Will, "Sorry,   
what?"  
  
She sighs.  
  
"Maybe he's thinking about how he'd like to drain us all,"   
Xander quips.  
  
"Shut your gob, Harris," I reply. I'm not in the mood for   
his wisecracks tonight.  
  
"Spike, you were going to go take care of this little   
problem?" Willow says.  
  
"Oh, right. Of course," I say as I get up and leave the   
shop to take care of our little Chaos Demon problem. Shouldn't be   
too hard. Chaos demons pretty much know how to do one thing:   
create chaos. They're not big in the planning department.  
  
  
I spot it almost immediately after I leave the shop. The   
bugger's huge antlers don't exactly help him blend in if you know   
what I mean. I follow him quietly and discreetly. Need to wait   
till he gets away from the populated areas before I kill him. No   
need to alarm the civilians.   
  
He leads me to the cemetery. What is it with demons and   
cemeteries? It seems like we all congregate there. But anyway,   
that's besides the point. Right now, it's time he be laid to rest.   
I pull out the knife I had hidden in my duster and quietly approach   
him.  
  
As I raise my blade, I step on a branch, breaking it,   
alerting the chaos demon to my presence. He spins around fast and   
swings his arm at me, hitting me and causing me to fly through the   
air. I hit a tree nearby and fall to the ground, in complete shock.   
I didn't think Chaos demons could be this strong. Or maybe I'm   
getting weaker. I didn't have time to think about it as the demon   
had me in his grip again. This time he threw me in the opposite   
direction. This time I hit a tombstone. The chaos demon comes at   
me once more, but this time I'm ready. He approaches me and I jab   
the knife into his chest. He groans in pain and collapses to the   
ground, dead. I take an unneeded breath and clean off the blade   
before returning it to my duster.   
  
I take a glance at the tombstone I was thrown against.   
Seeing the name, I stop dead in my tracks.  
Buffy Anne Summers  
1981-2001  
Beloved Sister  
Devoted Friend  
She saved the world  
A lot  
I haven't been here since we buried her. It's too much for   
me. The pain is still too raw. I drop to my knees before her   
stone. Gently, I trace the letters of her name with my fingertips.   
It's too much for me to be here, but I will not allow myself to   
cry. I can't. I have to be strong. I have to be uncaring. I   
have to be the monster I'm suppose to be. I rise and leave the   
cemetery quickly before my emotions get the better of me. I return   
to the shop to let the Scoobies know that the problem has been   
dealt with and return to my crypt.  
  
  
I'm plagued at night, or rather day, by my dreams, or to be   
more accurate, nightmares. I dream about the last night I saw   
Buffy. Those are my only dreams now. And I always wake up   
screaming her name. And tonight is no different. I haven't had   
a good spot of rest in six months. After I wake from my nightmare.   
I can't get back to sleep, so I sit in my chair in front of the   
telly and try not to think about her. Like that ever works...   
She's in my gut.  
  
  
The sun has set again. I often find myself thinking about   
how she'll never see the sunset again. Then I shudder when I   
realize I have become my grandsire. The big poof. Shaking my   
head, I head off into the darkness. I go to Buffy's...or I guess   
I should say Dawn's, like I do every night to check on her. See   
how she's doing.  
  
I knock on the door and wait for her to open it. She does   
quickly.   
  
I look at her and I realize she's been crying.  
  
"Lil' Bit, what's wrong?" I ask her gently.  
  
She smiles and pulls me into the house.  
  
Surprised, I ask, "What's going on, Dawn?"  
  
She still doesn't say anything as she grabs my hand and   
leads me to the living room. And that's when I see her.   
  
That's when I see Buffy.  
  
  
I release Dawn's hand and go to her. Tears pour down my   
face.  
  
"Buffy?" I ask timidly.  
  
She nods and I drop to my knees before her and wrap my arms   
around her waist, sobbing into her stomach. I don't care about   
the show I'm giving everyone as I feel her hand brush through my   
hair.  
  
"I'm so sorry. I love you," I repeat over and over into   
her stomach.   
  
"Shh. It's okay," she says.  
  
I return to my feet but keep my arms around her. This will   
probably be the last time I get to hold her. She gently brushes   
away the tears from my eyes. I look into her intense eyes curiously.   
She smiles her beautiful smile, the smile I never thought I'd ever   
see again, and rises and kisses me right on the lips. For a split   
second I'm too shocked to do anything, but that didn't last long.   
I sweep her off her feet and kiss like she's never been kissed   
before, not caring if we had an audience or not.  
  
  
I shake myself out of my daydream and look at her. Everyone   
is looking at me, waiting for me to say something, anything, but   
I can't. I can't think of anything to say. I just stare.  
  
"Spike?" Buffy asks quietly.  
  
God, what I wouldn't give to go to her right now. But I   
can't. Cold, hard, uncaring, soulless vampire, remember?  
  
"I g-gotta go," I say. God, was that my voice? Sounded like   
weak, pathetic excuse for a man William. Buffy looks hurt by my   
words and I want nothing more than to get down on my hands and   
knees and take them back. But I can't. Vampire. Have to be the   
Big Bad. I turn around and leave the house. Then I take off running.   
  
  
I don't know how long I've been running, but, when I stop, I   
find myself in an alleyway. I lean against the wall and slide down   
to the ground. I rest hands on my knees and force myself not to   
cry. I will not allow myself to cry. I can't. I take deep breaths   
even though I don't need them. They help me calm down. Then I   
notice that I couldn't stop one tear from making its way down my   
face. Disgusted, I swipe it away. And that's when I hear them.   
A group of three humans headed directly towards me. I sigh. I   
have a feeling it's going to be a long night.  
  
"Well, well, well. Look what we have here," I hear one of   
them say.  
  
Another one speaks, "How 'bout you hand over all your money."  
  
"How 'bout you sod off," I reply.  
  
The first one to speak grabs me by the collar of my shirt   
and pins me against the wall. He brandishes a knife and moves it   
about in what he probably hopes is a threatening manner.  
  
"I don't think you heard us correctly. Give us all your   
money."  
  
I sigh. "And I don't think you heard *me* correctly. *Sod   
off*."  
  
The idiot knees me in the stomach, which, if I breathed,   
would have knocked the wind out of me.  
  
"I'm not joking," the guy says.  
  
"Neither am I," I reply.  
  
This, of course, only makes the man angry and he punches me   
in the face. This, too, makes me angry and I punch him back. And   
then I feel the intense jolt of electricity searing through my brain.   
I gasp in pain and grab my head. The other two blokes take this   
opportunity and grab both my arms. I try to shake them off but   
the mild jolt I get every time I do so stops me. Then I hate   
myself even more. I'm a good for nothing vampire who can't defend   
himself from weak humans.  
  
The guy I punched approaches me holding the knife up. "That   
wasn't very nice," he says and looks at his two goons, "Think he   
should be punished?"  
  
I suppose they nodded because the next thing I felt was the   
blade of the knife embedded in my exposed stomach up to the hilt.   
I groan in pain. The bastard pulls the blade out and I feel my   
feet slip out from under me. I stay up only because of the grip   
the other two have me in. The knife-wielder then begins to punch   
and kick me like there's no tomorrow. And before I know it, he's   
got the other two doing it too. I feel myself slip into   
unconsciousness.  
  
  
I don't know how long I've been out but when I came to it   
was still night so it couldn't have been too long. I can only   
open one eye. The other is sealed shut. And that's when the pain   
hits me. I have never hurt this bad, even when I was beaten by   
Glory. But to make this worse, it was done by humans. I groan   
and try to get up. I ignore the intense blinding pain and start   
for Buffy's house. Why am I going there? Because I need her help.   
Yes, I need her help.  
  
I stumble out of the alley and into the street. God, it's   
so far from her house. I don't know if I can make it before the   
sun rises. But I've got to try. Using the walls of the surrounding   
buildings as support, I begin my long trek back to her house.  
  
A voice sounds behind me, "Sir, are you alright?"  
  
Damn. The last thing I need are bloody good Samaritans. I   
try to stand as tall as I can. God, that hurts. Without turning   
around, I say, "I'm fine."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm bloody damn sure."  
  
"Okay, sir," the voice says then I hear her leave. Once I'm   
sure she's gone, I keel over, the pain too intense the remain   
upright any longer. I need blood. I need it to help my body heal.   
But there's none anywhere near by. I hurry as fast as my beaten   
and battered body will allow.  
  
  
I finally see her house. From the looks of it, everyone's   
still there, celebrating her unexpected and rather unexplained   
return. I collapse on her lawn. No, I'm this close. I have to   
finish. So I will myself to get back up and stumble the rest of   
the way. I reach her door and pound on it. I hear the talking   
inside come to a stop and I hear her footsteps come toward the   
door. She opens it and I fall through.  
  
"Spike!" Buffy exclaims, surprised and shocked.  
  
That's the last thing I hear as I slip into unconsciousness   
again.  
  
  
I slowly regain consciousness, but keep my eyes shut. I   
haven't the slightest idea how long I've been out this time. Or   
where exactly I am. Did Buffy throw me out when I fell on the   
ground? Or did she take care of me? Probably the former, I think,  
but I feel the surface beneath me. A bed. I'm on a bed. I try to   
move and a sharp pain slices through me. I groan. The bed contorts   
as I feel someone sits down beside me.  
  
"Spike?" It's that voice. The one I never thought I'd ever   
hear again. Suddenly I want to cry but I cannot allow myself.   
Taking a long unneeded and decidedly painful breath, I open my   
eyes...  
  
And look right into hers. Her beautiful shiny orbs. Is   
that tears I see?  
  
"Buffy?" I whisper. I can't find the strength to speak any   
louder.  
  
She smiles and I steal a quick glance around. Her bedroom?!   
She let me lay on *her* bed in *her* bedroom?! If I wasn't already   
dead, I would have died happy.  
  
"Spike, what happened? Who did this to you?"  
  
No, I can't answer that. I can't let her see how weak the   
Big Bad has become. I couldn't even protect myself from a bunch   
of puny humans. Why should I tell her? So she can just laugh in   
my face? No. I can't.  
  
I try to get up, without even answering her question. She   
stops me and I collapse against the mattress.  
  
"Spike, why won't you tell me?"  
  
"How long have I been out?" I ask.  
  
"Two days. And you're avoiding my question," she replies.  
  
Two days? She's already been back for two days? I've been   
lying about in her bed for two days? Where did she sleep? Her   
mother's room, probably.  
  
I sit up again and look around panicky. I have to get out   
of here. This is too much. To see her, to hear her, to smell   
her...it's all too much.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
I sprint out of her bed despite the tremendous pain I felt   
in doing so and leave her bedroom. I hear her following as I   
climb down the stairs, heading for the door. I take a quick peek   
at the living room. Great, just great, the entire Scooby Gang sit   
in there. Probably all ready to have a good laugh at my expense.   
I'd leave but I just realized that's it's daylight out. Bloody   
hell.  
  
"Spike, where do you think you're going?" Buffy asks me.  
  
I turn to face her. She's smiling. And suddenly I'm pissed.  
  
"Bloody nowhere, I guess."  
  
I pace the foyer. All the Scoobies and Buffy are watching   
me.   
  
"You want to know who did that to me?" There are slight,   
barely perceptable, nods. "Bloody humans. That's who. Go ahead,   
laugh. Laugh at poor ol' Spike's expense. William the Bloody   
can't even defend himself from a bunch of thugs who only wanted   
money. I'd laugh if I were you. Because it *is* pretty damned   
funny."  
  
"No, it's not," I hear one of them say, but I'm too pissed   
to stop and listen.  
  
"And for these last six months, I've been nothing but   
everyone's dog. 'Spike, do this.' 'Spike do that.' 'Spike kill   
this' or 'Spike kill that.' I've been treated like a bloody   
animal. And then you all treat me miserably because, after all,   
I'm only Spike, the soulless *unfeeling* vampire, right? Nothing   
more."  
  
Willow tries to interrupt me again, "You *are* more than   
that."  
  
"I'm not finished yet."  
  
She quiets down.  
  
"You all had someone who'd take and listen to you about   
Buffy. I didn't. Oh, I could have had, but everyone was too   
dense to see the pain I was in. Or if they did, they could have   
cared less. Did you know that I was about to kill myself?" I   
hear a few startled gasps, but I keep going. "Yep, that's right.   
I wanted to die. I didn't think I could go on. But I stopped   
myself. You know why?" I look at Dawn, standing next to Buffy.   
"It was you, Nibblet. I realized I had to protect you. Not just   
because of the promise I made your big sis but because I love you.   
You were the only one that tried to comfort me. You tried to talk   
to me, but then you stopped. Why? Why did you give up on me?"   
It's getting harder to hold my emotions in check. I feel the   
tears threatening to fall. I don't know if I'll be able to keep   
them in.  
  
Dawn's response is so quiet, even with my vampire hearing,   
I can barely make it out. "I didn't give up. I was afraid."  
  
I cannot keep the sharp intake of air from coming, nor can   
I contain the hurt look on my face. "Why?"  
  
She speaks up a little, "I was afraid that I was losing you,   
Spike. I had already lose so much. I didn't want to lose you,   
too. You're like a brother to me. I tried to get you to talk to   
me, but you wouldn't. I could see how much pain you were in. I   
could see that it was tearing you apart inside. And I could see   
how much you love Buffy," she steals a glance at the others, "Even if   
they can't...or won't. But you wouldn't talk, Spike. Oh, I could   
tell you wanted to. But you were afraid, too, weren't you? You   
were afraid of what I would do if you did talk. Same with the   
others. But, mostly, you were afraid of that feeling you felt.   
The one you hadn't felt or, at least, acknowledged for over a   
century. Guilt. You felt guilty. You thought is was your fault   
you couldn't protect me from the Doc. I saw how hard you tried,   
Spike. You didn't let me down. I didn't and don't blame you for   
that... Because you felt it was your fault you couldn't protect   
me, you also felt guilty about Buffy. You felt like you killed   
Buffy. Spike, that also wasn't your fault. You didnt' kill her;   
she sacrificed herself to save the world."   
  
I try to say something, but she holds up a hand, stopping me.   
"I know what you're going to say, Spike. You're going to say, 'But   
I could have prevented that, too.' Am I right?"  
  
I nod, too surprised to say anything. Am I really that   
obvious? Can everyone read me like a bleedin' open book?  
  
"You might not have said in words, Spike, but actions speak   
louder than words. I could tell you wanted someone to listen.   
And even though I never said it, I listened."  
  
That was all it took. The bleedin' dam broke and the tears   
came. I cover my eyes to try to stop the flow of tears. I can't   
keep in a choked sob. Dawn comes to me and hugs me. I return it   
desperately as I cry. I no longer give a bloody damn if the rest   
see me this way.  
  
  
Later, after I cried all I possibly could, I make my way to   
the kitchen. The crying made me hungry. I open the fridge door,   
grab one of the many blood bags. I reach for a mug and open the   
bag before puring it into the mug. I place it in the microwave   
and set the time to a few mintutes. I hear someone approach.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
I turn around. "Buffy." I want to kick myself when I   
realized that I forgot she was back.  
  
She approaches me. "Since tonight we're being all open with   
our feelings, I think it's my turn."  
  
I tilt my head, urging her to continue.  
  
"Remember last night... I mean, six months ago, when you said   
you were 'a monster?'"  
  
I nod. I remember that night well.  
  
"Well, I wanted to tell you that night something but I got   
scared. You're not. You haven't been a monster for a long time   
now. If anyone's a monster, it's me."  
  
Buffy's not a monster. I shake my head, ready to argue that.   
She prevents me from doing so.  
  
"Yes, I am. I treated you horribly. In a way you didn't   
deserve. I wouldn't listen to you. I wouldn't allow myself to   
realize something important... I don't hate you, Spike. I did at   
first, but not anymore. I trust you. With my life. And Dawn's."  
  
I try to say something, but I'm stopped when I suddenly feel   
her lips on mine. I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but time   
stopped.  
  
It ends all too soon as she pulls away and whispers in my   
ear. "I also realized something else. I love you."  
  
Apparently I haven't cried all that I could as tears of joy   
run down my face. I capture her lips with mine in a passionate   
embrace and kiss her like, I hope, she's never been kissed before.   
I eventually remember that she needs to breathe and I release her   
lips and lay my forehead against hers. We're both panting.  
  
"Wow," Buffy says.  
  
I smile, then I feel that now-familiar lump in my throat.   
"God, I love you so much, Buffy. And I missed you so much. I   
could barely keep going. I didn't know if I could. But I did know   
that I had to try. For my sake and Dawn's. It was *so* hard.   
And now you're here right in front of me. I feel like I'm living   
a dream. I'm terrified to go to sleep because when I wake up, you   
won't be here anymore."  
  
Fresh tears make their way down my cheeks. Buffy reaches up   
and brushes them away.  
  
"Shh. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
And she kisses me again. Not like our last one. This one   
is filled with promise and love, not lust and passion. She pulls   
away and embraces me. And I return it intensely.  
  
And I realize she's right. She's not going anywhere.  
  
The End 


End file.
